Tag Archives: Career

Career Lows

24 Aug

Ever since I made the decision to go back to university I have felt like a new women. It’s amazing how unhappiness and stress in your career, a huge part of our personal direction, can affect and poison every part of your life.

During the past few years, I began to doubt myself. Deep down I think I knew for quite some time that I was not on the right path, but the thought that I had spent years cultivating the wrong career and that a complete change was required was too scary to fathom or face. Therefore, my doubt crept out in other ways. Even in such small ways as to start questioning myself with regards to locking the front door or switching off the stove top, going back to check two or three times. I also started believing that everyone close to me was constantly judging my decisions and so became defensive and unable to handle even the slightest of criticism.

My unhappiness manifested in other ways. Every night I would head home, open a bottle of wine and pour a glass, which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing, but when one glass turned to at least three…….and generally light a cigarette (Bob and I quit cold turkey for 7 months about 2 years ago but during the time of the ‘black period’ I quickly lit up again), which would quickly be followed by another. Before you start imaging me as a smoking drunken lush, know that I didn’t go crazy with these habits, I just lost myself in them and therefore, for a short time every night, I lost my stress. At the time, it was a very seductive prospect, in retrospect, it’s a very scary prospect!

My tiredness never seemed to abate, and so all of the above was compounded. It was a vicious cycle.

I should definitely mention here that there were great parts of my life throughout this time: Bob, my family, my friends and my dog (for the purposes of this blog, she shall be named Little B 🙂 ), but even when I was having a great time, there was a shadow hanging over me. This in turn caused me to feel swamped with guilt for not being happier when I had SO much to be grateful for and really, on the scale of things, little to be unhappy about. And the guilt turned to low self esteem and so the cycle continued…..

And so I will forever be thankful for the ‘black period’ that I have mentioned in previous posts. As you know it was this period, when I changed jobs, looking for escape from a career going nowhere, but actually launching myself straight from the frying pan into the fire that truly forced me to acknowledge that as scary as it may be to return to university and start afresh by following my true passions, it was a far scarier prospect to lose myself to the depression I was falling into from persisting along the same path.

Well, I feel that’s enough introspection for one night. I apologise for letting it all hang out, but all these things are flying around in my brain at the moment as I slowly process and catalogue and I thought it would help to write it down 😀

 

Fact No 7: Sharks are immune to almost all known diseases!

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Reaching a decision

4 Aug

Hello! Thanks for sticking with me on this journey 🙂

So, I was at the point where I was getting my happy ending……..well, unfortunately, things could not be further from the truth! For various reasons and out of loyalty to some in question, I will not go into detail here about taking on that prized job, but I can tell you this. After four months, I was becoming a shadow of my former self, thoroughly exhausted and battling real depression  😦 
 Now, I was a big believer in trying to stay in a new job for at least one year, to give yourself a chance to settle in and to have a true understanding of what your role is about. I was determined to stick it out. But when Bob and my immediate family told me that I must leave this job, I was shocked (my parents in particular always having been of the ‘give it a chance’ school of thought) but I knew that they were on the mark. It wasn’t right, and until the day I die, I am going to revise my ‘stay for a year’ theory to ‘if it doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t’. Simple as that. So, I handed in my resignation, and had four weeks to come up with a new plan! At this stage, I knew what I had to do, I just had to figure out a way to make it happen. And I’m sure you all know which path I chose….. Yup, you got it, I was right all along with my thoughts of study 😀 During the ‘black period’ (as I will now refer to it) I was still getting intense fulfilment from my online course, and it was opening up all sorts of hunger for knowledge. It wasn’t enough, and when I was finally able to see clearly I saw that, hard as it may be, for me to be truly content in my life I would need to do this. And not further down the track, I would have to do it as soon as possible, otherwise I would be spending my whole time waiting for my life to really begin….. Even Bob said to me that he always knew this was the right decision but that I had to get there on my own in the end, otherwise I wouldn’t have complete conviction (and I’m going to need it!) which I love him for. Some have said to me that perhaps I should just try to get another job in the publishing industry, that not all jobs will be as bad as that one. However, as true a statement as this may be, I feel like I’ve been given a second (or if we’re really be picky, a third) chance to make the right decision.

And so, at 30, I have decided to go back to university full time (over-exaggeration alert 🙂 Part-time would have been financially easier but I would have been about 100 before I graduated…). This is not the easy choice, but it’s the right one. I have had so many discussions with my nearest and dearest. Obviously Bob and I have talked through the prospect at length, because although he felt it was the right decision for me it was going to affect him and our relationship in ways that we haven’t had to deal with before. My M and P were a little shocked at first, even though I’d been talking about it for so long, I don’t think that they ever thought I would actually do it. They had the obvious concerns, financial, babies, me choosing the difficult path when all they want it for me to have a good easy life. But once they really saw that although this is not the easy path, it’s the one that is going to make me happiest and fulfil me the most, they have been nothing but supportive, and I guess I would have been worried about them had they not at least brought up a few concerns 🙂 Friends pretty much fall into either one of two categories: “Why the hell would you go back to University????” and “I wish it were me”!!

 So, I have found my “purpose”, but the point is that although I have found it, that’s not the ending, that’s just the beginning. What I would like to do now is to document the process that I have to go through over the next few years on my road to making this big life change. We will go through the change together, and I hope to learn from those who are going through the same thing and perhaps inspire those who would like to go through it 🙂 Also, and this is just for fun, I am going to include one new fact I have learned since each new post….just because I can 😉

Fact No 1: One amphibian has evolved a bizarre and gruesome defence mechanism to protect itself against predators. When attacked, the Spanish ribbed newt pushes out its ribs until they pierce through its body, exposing a row of bones that act like poisonous barbs. Now we know where writer Len Wein and Marvel art director John Romita, Sr got their inspiration for Wolverine 😉

I read about this when studying reptiles for my Vertebrate Zoology course but here’s a linked article:

 http://news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_news/newsid_8212000/8212623.stm

Almost 30, on a road to nowhere…….

1 Nov

It’s a story too many of us are familiar with. Reaching a certain age and realising that we are not content, happy, inspired by where we are in life. This could apply in your love-life, financial status, career etc. Now, it could be said that, in this day and age, we want too much from life: the perfect partner, the perfect children, the perfect house, the perfect career and that something has to give. But quite honestly, I am not prepared to believe that…..why can’t we have everything?

Next year I will turn 30. Not the fair old age it used to be, but still a milestone in life, and I have realised that, as wonderfully full of travel and love my life has been, my career is not even close to what I imagined I might be doing at this stage in my life. Various twists and turns have led me in a direction never intended, and now here I am about to get another year older having achieved none of the things, career-wise, that I thought I might when dreaming as a child.

I have realised that I must do something about this and start on a new path. To say that I find this daunting is an understatement, and also, to say that my true passions lie so far from what I am currently doing would be even more of an understatement.

So I am going to try blogging to see if it can help me sort out my many confused thoughts over this matter by getting them down in writing as so many have recommended. But also, I hope to meet others who are currently in the same boat, or have been and made the change.

I will get into more detail in posts to come, but for now I thought I would dip my toes in my new blog and see how it feels…………