Career Lows

24 Aug

Ever since I made the decision to go back to university I have felt like a new women. It’s amazing how unhappiness and stress in your career, a huge part of our personal direction, can affect and poison every part of your life.

During the past few years, I began to doubt myself. Deep down I think I knew for quite some time that I was not on the right path, but the thought that I had spent years cultivating the wrong career and that a complete change was required was too scary to fathom or face. Therefore, my doubt crept out in other ways. Even in such small ways as to start questioning myself with regards to locking the front door or switching off the stove top, going back to check two or three times. I also started believing that everyone close to me was constantly judging my decisions and so became defensive and unable to handle even the slightest of criticism.

My unhappiness manifested in other ways. Every night I would head home, open a bottle of wine and pour a glass, which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing, but when one glass turned to at least three…….and generally light a cigarette (Bob and I quit cold turkey for 7 months about 2 years ago but during the time of the ‘black period’ I quickly lit up again), which would quickly be followed by another. Before you start imaging me as a smoking drunken lush, know that I didn’t go crazy with these habits, I just lost myself in them and therefore, for a short time every night, I lost my stress. At the time, it was a very seductive prospect, in retrospect, it’s a very scary prospect!

My tiredness never seemed to abate, and so all of the above was compounded. It was a vicious cycle.

I should definitely mention here that there were great parts of my life throughout this time: Bob, my family, my friends and my dog (for the purposes of this blog, she shall be named Little B 🙂 ), but even when I was having a great time, there was a shadow hanging over me. This in turn caused me to feel swamped with guilt for not being happier when I had SO much to be grateful for and really, on the scale of things, little to be unhappy about. And the guilt turned to low self esteem and so the cycle continued…..

And so I will forever be thankful for the ‘black period’ that I have mentioned in previous posts. As you know it was this period, when I changed jobs, looking for escape from a career going nowhere, but actually launching myself straight from the frying pan into the fire that truly forced me to acknowledge that as scary as it may be to return to university and start afresh by following my true passions, it was a far scarier prospect to lose myself to the depression I was falling into from persisting along the same path.

Well, I feel that’s enough introspection for one night. I apologise for letting it all hang out, but all these things are flying around in my brain at the moment as I slowly process and catalogue and I thought it would help to write it down 😀

 

Fact No 7: Sharks are immune to almost all known diseases!

Advertisements

4 Responses to “Career Lows”

  1. maturestudenthanginginthere August 24, 2011 at 1:16 pm #

    Gulp, your post really struck a chord! It’s hard isn’t it that it takes a ‘black period’ as you say to help us find our way/change direction. Going back to study after MANY years was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Thanks for the really interesting and clearly very honest post. Onwards and upwards to you.

    AND I didn’t know that about sharks!

    Jacqueline

    • onlyonechance August 31, 2011 at 10:13 am #

      Thanks so much for your comment Jacqueline, it really did help me to write so honestly like that. I’m already finding such huge benefits from my blogging, not only from the writing but from all the inspiring stories, like yours, that I have come across!

      Lucy

  2. Louise Brown August 24, 2011 at 11:02 pm #

    Little B!! How cute.

  3. Noni August 25, 2011 at 12:15 am #

    At least you know the ‘black period’ can’t last forever…. the more I read Eat Pray Love the more it reminds me of you and I’m so glad you are finding yourself and feeling happy again in your own soul searching journey! You deserve it 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: